This is the third draft of this post. The the previous 2 drafts were me showing off. Me telling you how I was reading stuff during this social distancing, doing online courses, thinking fucking clever things. And just being fucking amazing during these trying times.
The opposite is true. Every moment over the past two weeks has these varicose veins of fear permeating through them. Fear bleeds into each thought. And doubt beats at the end of each day. And what am I scared of? Not taking this opportunity. Not making the most of this time I have.
So, the background. I am currently employed, but my employer has stood me down. This basically means they aren’t paying me and they don’t expect me to do anything for them as they don’t have any useful work for me to do. ‘Useful work’ is, apparently, the legal term for what I do. I have never heard marketing being referred to as useful. Crazy times.
Anyway. There’s fear. I have this gift of time. Time I have always wanted, hoped for and thanks to a bat, a wet market, an highly transmittable virus, a forward thinking company and a wife who’s awesome at planning for a rainy day, I’m here and I have the time and resources to completely change my life.
And it scares the shit out of me.
So what do I do? I write, every day. I try to learn, every day. And I run towards my fear.
And maybe what I am doing by doing all this is not changing my life. Maybe I’m changing who I am. And maybe that is the gift I’m not seeing.