We are constantly told that what others think of us is none of our business. That we can’t please everyone, and that we shouldn’t care if others like us or not. And this ‘advice’ has evolved over the past decade. Now we have to be authentic. We all need to learn the ‘subtle art of not giving a fuck’ which, apparently, is as simple as knowing who we are and being that. To attempt to be liked, to seek others’ acceptance is pilloried; labeled inauthentic or worse, fake.
However, the demonisation of wanting to be liked is unfair. Who we are isn’t that easy to grasp. And being accepted is fundamental to our psychological make-up as humans.
We are defined by other people
In Others in Mind: Social Origins of Self-Consciousness, Phillipe Rochat explores the development of human cognition and the concept of self. Rochat approaches the concept of self consciousness from a social perspective (yeah, it’s in the title). But what he explains is that human beings are inherently a social species. We are driven by a singular fear of rejection, of being ostracised. And in order to gain acceptance we adopt several versions of ourselves which we deem appropriate to different social contexts. According to Rochat, we develop a concept of ourselves based on others’ awareness of us.
There are parts of Rochat’s book that align closely with the concept of the Looking–Glass Self theory developed by sociologist Charles Cooley. Both Rochat and Cooley claim that we become aware of our identities through others being aware of us. We create mental models of other people’s thoughts and then define ourselves through these models. To put this more simply; we are who we think other people think we are.
We are who other people think we are
Consider a selfie you’ve taken recently. You think you look pretty good in the shot and you think it would be a good idea to share it on social media, so that others can see how amazingly well you look. In that moment when you evaluate if a photo is worth sharing on social media you consider how other people will see you. In a few moments you’re able to ascertain that others will think you look good, and decide to post the shot of yourself in front of the giant canyon you just hiked out of. You don’t consider all 477 of your friends’ reactions to the photo. More than likely, a small handful matter. It is what we believe their perception of our photo will be that decides if that photo makes it into your feed or not.
This mental evaluation of other people’s judgments of us happens instinctively, constantly, in almost every interaction we have with others. Sometimes we’re very aware of how we believe others see us and at other times we create this mental model subconsciously and don’t give it much consideration. However, it is through seeing ourselves through how we think others see us that we define ourselves.
It is through this calculation of our identity in relation to others that we understand our social status in a situation, that we understand who we are and who others expect us to be in a specific context. Because, we change our identity from one context to the next. A single identity implemented across all contexts in our lives would leave us ostracised, or institutionalised. The person you are with your children will not be appropriate version of you to have presenting a proposal to the CEO of your company. Our identity is fluid, it is created with others in mind to ensure we’re accepted by those people who are most important to us.
Those whose opinions of us matter to us
For each of us there are a few people in our lives who’s opinions of us influence our identity. Overwhelmingly, these people fall into three categories;
- Our family. What we think our parents or siblings think of us, even in adulthood, is hard not to absorb.
- People we love. We want the people we love to love us back. To somehow think we’re worthy of them and thereby making us worthy.
- People who hold authority over us, they are usually more senior to us at work, or they are of a higher social status to us. What they think of us dictates our own status and influences our income or our lifestyles.
So, if you consider the above, there are many people who’s opinions of us mean little, outside of specific situations. People who report to us at work, most of the time they don’t cross our minds, however, when we are in a discussion with them where we need to direct them to complete a task, in that moment what they think of us matters a lot. Especially if you struggle with impostor syndrome, or if you are uncertain about your position in a company.
Conversely, you might obsess about what people more senior than you think of you as their opinions might be the difference between a promotion and a redundancy. In high stress, toxic environments, the speculating and calculating on where one stands within the hierarchy can become all consuming. Environments in which people don’t feel safe creates anxiety. This is in great part because you don’t know who to be when you are at work in order to be accepted.
Thoughts on shame and being self-conscious
Nearly everyone’s had a situation where they committed a social transgression. It might be that we drank too much at an office party, or that we said something in anger to a family friend. In these situation we dwell on what we’ve done, we run it over and over in our minds; what we did, what they think, what that means for us. The thoughts fill us with shame. And inevitably, the worst case scenario in our minds always involves some form of rejection. Which, again, indicates how important acceptance by people whom we deem important is to us.
The inherent irony in our obsessing about what others think after we’ve made a mistake is that, in most cases, the people who’s opinions of us we have irreparably damaged more than likely consider that same event in a very different light to what we are so assured they do. Our shame when we consider these events are all based on what we tell ourselves others must think, and more specifically, think of us. And if we’re honest with ourselves that which we fear most seldom happens. Humiliation and absolute rejection are rare in our lives. And from personal experience, when you are ostracised for some social faux pas, it is likely that you were amongst people whom you felt ill at ease with, people you are better off without them.
Social media and the fluidity of our identities
It is interesting that the demand for authenticity follows on the heels of the social media explosion. Before the advent of a ubiquitous social media landscape, we were sure we knew our friends and family. We knew them in one, maybe two contexts, and their identities were stable. And then social media came about, and we saw different sides to them. We saw them as we hadn’t before, and in the social media context they became strangers to us. And if we cared for them, and if our identities hinged on what we thought they thought of us, we suddenly became aware that the mental models we had of these people where faulty or off. In some cases, we felt lied to, betrayed. And thus, the concept of being inauthentic grew in to an accusation, and being fake an insult.
We all have friends and family whom we feel we know well. However, when we encounter their online profiles on Facebook or Instagram they feel like strangers to us. I have many such people in my life, and I am starting to come to the realisation that their online identity is based on other people’s ideas of who they are, not mine. It doesn’t mean they’re not still themselves or that they’re being fake. They are merely revealing an identity based on someone else’s idea of who they think they are in that context. And that’s okay.
We need to acknowledge that our identities are fluid. We need to be aware of who’s perception of ourselves we model when defining our identity, and understand if we’re being the people we want to be. Because that is the major advantage in having a fluid identity; we can change it. We can become whomever we want, but have to realise that changing who we are is likely to create friction with the people who’s ideas of ourselves we have modelled to create previous versions of ourselves.
Our identity and what others think of us
As I mentioned in a previous post, most of the world, including what others think of us and who we think we are, are all constructs. Nothing more than stories we inherited or created and perpetuate in our day-to-day assumptions and routines.
However, there are a few fundamental components in our make up are that are essential to who we are. Elements intrinsic to us that are difficult to distinguish from the stories. A large part of living a full life involves unearthing these innate aspects within us so that we can live harmoniously with the most fundamental elements of our identity. To understand these implicit parts of ourselves we need to experience as much of the world as we can and understand what we can change, and what is solid us.
Once the fundamentals of who we are are known to us, then we will be wiser in choosing which persons we model to develop our identities. And more informed in how we go about creating the person/s we want to be.