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- Job interview: a meeting where a person is given an hour to prove that they fulfill a mysterious set of criteria that only exists in the minds of the interviewers.
- Financial forecasting: the act of creating numbers and multiplying, subtracting, dividing and adding them by/from/with one another to transform a fictional narrative into a set of expectations that management can hold people accountable to in order to sign off on proceeding with an initiative.
- Email: the most used application on any computer in an office building. A communication tool used to keep people informed, busy or anxious. In the modern age, many jobs entail ‘doing email’.
- Work/life balance: a fantasy believed by many to be attainable. The promised land where work will never distract your from being a parent, a spouse, fit, healthy, sane or happy.
- Transformation: the act of saving money by pushing people out of their jobs and by cutting corners to produce products or deliver services more cheaply.
- Meeting: an event where people come together to avoid making decisions or to avoid responsibility.
- Key Performance Indicators: made-up metrics that rarely relate to the job you do that you are deemed accountable for and that dictate if you get a bonus or lose your job.
- Open plan office: the act of taking walls out of an office so that people can sit more closely together and thereby save their company money on rent.
- Hot desking: Like open plan, but now you don’t have a desk.
- Salary: the amount an employer is willing to pay an employee for their time ‘working’. An employer will attempt to keep this number as low and as secret as possible.
- Stationary cupboard: a place to get pens, pencils, cardboard, folders etc. for your kids’ school projects.
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